I am Where I am Because of Where I Have Been

Cecy Dlamini, 19, lives in Soweto, South Africa with her siblings, nieces, and nephews. After her mother passed away from complications with AIDS 6 years ago, Cecy has been responsible for caring for her family. Through the help of Ikageng Itireleng AIDS Ministry and Keep a Child Alive, Cecy has been able to raise her family and attend school. As she has a passion for writing and journalism, Cecy has decided to share her story with you.

Chapter 4 - After Brian's Death

After Brian's death I fell into a deep depression and all I could do was wonder what he was thinking in his last seconds, if he was afraid and if I wished I could have been there to comfort him. I felt like a had a giant hole or an ice cold iron ball weighing two tons in my stomach. For months after his death I felt betrayed, that something so precious and priceless had been stolen from me and I could never get it back. I hated the world and everyone in it, including myself, for not stopping this obvious injustice from occuring in the very first place.

When I was 15 years old I came home one day and swallowed a whole bottle of my late brother's painkillers and hoped like hell that my death would come as quickly and as painlessly as possible. I must have fainted on the kitchen floor because when I regained consciousness I was laying on my back with my entire family surrounding me while we waited for the ambulance. It was not until three years later that I finally knew myself well enough to know that my intention on that day was not to simply end my life, but it was to put an end to the excruciating pain I called my life.

Today, three years on, knowing all the things I know now that I did not have the privilege of knowing then I can not believe how far I have come, not only myself but my whole family too. Sometimes I look at each one of them and I just cannot fight back the tears of pride. I know now the truth in the saying: everything happens for a reason, because as horrid as it was going through it, I know now that had I not lost my mother at the tender age of only 13 years, I would not even be half the woman that I am today. I have learned so many lessons through these hardships and none less important than the next. All the lessons that I learned from my mother, both from intentional lectures and silent observations on my part, give me the courage to carry on in the hopes that I will one day be at least half the woman she was.